I would say that I’m a fairly typical twenty-something-year-old male college student. I have a love-hate relationship with school. At the beginning of the semester, I love the sense of adventure—exploring new, interesting subjects. And after about two weeks, when all of the novelty is gone, I’m left by myself with a fuming hatred for all of the homework I “get” to do. I would imagine that I’m similar to most every other guy my age as well because **generalization alert** I don’t like talking about my emotions—especially with my parents. At least, until recently.
In a number of ways, my parents struggled teaching me emotional intimacy—how to develop a relationship of trust and concern. Whether I was to blame for that or not is neither here nor there, but I feel that this happens to A LOT of people. Every relationship is different between parent and child. That being the case, I can only write according to my personal experience with my parents, specifically with my mom.
I used to get frustrated with my mom a lot. I don’t know if it was a lack of trust or if I just didn’t like how she always tried to tell me what to do . . . I’m not entirely sure. But to her credit, my mom is a lot like Heavenly Father. Let me explain. You know how we’re taught that when we feel like we aren’t close to God, we are the ones that distanced ourselves from Him? He always has His hands outstretched to us and He will draw close unto us as we draw close unto Him.
Now think of your mom. She wants to be close. She wants to support. She wants to love. But she can only do so as far as you let her. She will draw close unto you as you draw close unto her. Granted, sometimes she isn’t perfect in showing her love, but a lot of times it’s not even her fault. We seem to think that she can read our mind and act accordingly.
I guess I didn’t realize how much I had distanced myself from my mom.
In these past months, I have had some hellish experiences. About two months ago, in particular, I had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend that absolutely destroyed me—to the point that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be on this planet anymore. It was scary. I don’t think I’ve ever had a meltdown like that before. But do you know what the truly terrifying thing was? I didn’t have anyone I could talk to. I was so utterly alone. The only time in my entire week—all 168 hours of it—that I could feel any solace whatsoever was the ONE hour that I had when talking to my therapist. That. was. scary. and extremely depressing. The bright side of that dark experience was the realization that I didn’t have to be alone. So I called up my mom and told her what was happening. I can’t really remember a time when I really sat down with my mom and talked about how I felt (I think we both gave up on trying to do that when I was 12). But I decided that I needed someone with whom I could share my inner thoughts and in whom I could trust to counsel me when I wasn’t sure what to do. Most importantly, I needed someone to listen to me. (Trust me, talking to guys about heavy, emotional topics generally isn’t very fulfilling. Usually the response to anything negative is, “Geez, man. That’s rough. Let me know if you need anything.” End of conversation. Me [in my mind]: “Why do you think I’m talking to you!?”)
Nobody has to reach that point of loneliness.
Stop fighting with your parents. Sit down with them and clarify each other’s expectations. If you don’t want advice at times, tell them. Trust them. Create a safe place together. Be on each other’s team. Here’s the kicker: you have to want them to be on your team. Be clear and honest with them and they will be clear and honest with you. They won’t judge you. They love you. You’ll always be good enough for them. There is no reason why there should be contention in the home, especially with someone who could be such a gigantic support and help to your life.
Now there are some situations in which parents aren't a safe place or might not be a support for whatever reason. That’s okay. You get to choose your team. Families come in all sorts of types and sizes. The point is to strengthen your emotional bonds with whomever you hold dear and call family.
If there is any relationship that the devil is going to attack and attempt to turn sour, the first is your relationship with God; the second is your relationship with your parents. Think about that next time you get frustrated or angry at them.
Stop standing on opposite sides of the court. Stop treating each other like the enemy. Start being a team.
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